mother's day
I think about motherhood a lot and how I hope to be different from my own mom in the ways that matter to me. Having a strained parent relationship carries a pain I wish I didn't have to shoulder, always waiting to be disappointed or triggered and rarely proven wrong. I think about how I wish I learned how to be a good mother through experience and not by what I didn't experience.
A part of me thinks it's a universal experience with immigrant parents where we lack emotional support and experience a parent that is narcissistic because of their own trauma they refused to ever work or reflect on. It feels ironic knowing Filipinos are known for their family values but it seems more superficial that they want to look like they have it all together.
As someone who grew up with immigrant parents who struggled and focused more on surviving and providing in the moment, I take notes on everything I see that would benefit the child(ren) I have. There's a deep need I have to not pass on the generational trauma and something I see with second generations trying their best to not do with their own. Talk about healing.